The Years Of Brothers

Billy Shane is waking up to a day like no other. It's the first day of his retirement. Laying in bed, it's six thirty in the morning and normally he would ready himself and take the two mile drive to Lexion where he worked as a machinist for 37 years. When Billy started working at Lexion (then called Mann Machines) he was 25. Soon after he married Sarah and they had a son and a daughter and moved into a smallish cape cod home. The children each with their own bedroom upstairs with Bill and Sarah downstairs. Now Billy is still in the bedroom downstairs, the only one left.

Perhaps out of habit Billy is showered and dressed in his shop cloths consisting of a dark blue button up shirt and a pair of jeans sitting at the kitchen table sipping on coffee staring at the wall with a look of thoughtlessness. But not without thought. At first a touch of bliss that he won't have to work today and then thinking what it is he could do after coffee. Something around the house, outside somewhere, a chore perhaps. He could go to the hardware store, lumber yard to get busy on a home repair maybe. Then he reflects on all of it. How it all gradually became undone. Most of his adult life consisted of going to work and coming home to his family. The cycle of school then Christmas, super bowl, spring, summer, vacation, back to school, raises, shopping, birthdays, anniversaries, occasional weddings, family barbecues, arguments with the kids his wife, new cars, new paint, re-arrangement of the living room furniture year after year after decade. The first crack of change came when his son Daniel graduated from high school and joined the Army, how fast that happened. It seems raising children is just a brief stretch and then they're gone. Off to the Army, tall adult like with a longer face, driving, working, paying bills. The night before he headed off the four of them were at the kitchen table as they did when Daniel was five, ten, twelve, fifteen, sixteen, eighteen, six months ago, yesterday, and now for the last time as a family complete, together, living together as it should be forever but not anymore after today because then it'll be three. Then two years later his daughter Jess was off to school, not far but far enough to live on campus and so the kids were gone. Parents now with children who have gone off are alone and still youngish spend a decade together till Sarah becomes ill and then passes away. No more youngish but becoming mercilessly older 6 quick years after his wife's passing and now its seven forty five and Billy is alone with a coffee looking at the wall wondering how to spend a new kind of day.

It's now Saturday and Billy is getting dressed for Jess's wedding day. He wears his special suit, actually his only suit he's had longer then he can remember. At the church sits on one side the family of the bride, his brother Frank with his second wife Ann, Franks two sons with their wives, a healthy array of cousins and friends of Jess and their spouses some without. On the other side is the family and friends of the groom all strangers and to Billy, seem better looking and dressed. Billy feels his wife's absence more acutely and suspects his daughters tears at the alter is of the same sentiment which makes Billy fighting off his own tears. When Jess cries it reminds him of her childhood, it seems to make her childlike again. He has an urge to embrace her as she stands up there but that's not necessary anymore, someone else is there for that now. The ceremony ends and the couple are happy and the sadness, hard to fight off has past as everything else seems to, the couple are back to bliss and are congratulated and so it is off to the reception.

Billy sits with Frank and Ann along with the parents of the groom who are about his age, normal occasionally funny and gracious. He's assured that his daughter will be fine whenever he's around them. Frank and Ann are staying at a motel (they live in Florida) Billy will give them a ride there when it is all over. Billy dances with Jess an emotional embrace with Jess in tears and Billy trying to fight off his own both missing Mom so very much right now. The dance is over he whispers to her ear that he loves her she looks at him teary "I love you daddy."

Billy drives Frank and Ann to their hotel after the reception. The brothers decide to go to the lounge while Ann, too tired, goes to the room. At the bar, they both order a drink, and talk "well that's it brother, they're all off, on their own. Your all alone."
"You said it."
"You miss her?" Frank asks referring to Sarah.
"Oh, yea"
"I miss her too."
"Oooh yea, sure do." then sipping his drink.
"Ever think about moving to Florida, you know, close to us. What the hell. You can stay with us for awhile then get your own place."
"Nah, what am I going to do there, maybe ten years ago, I'm settled in my ways."
"I hear you brother."
A short silence. Then some talk on the wedding, the people in the reception whom they've known, not seen, family members, how nieces and nephews have grown. Family friends, how they've aged. "We're getting old that's for sure"
"I wish I can have it all back." Frank says. And he does. Unlike Billy, Franks life was more tumultuous, unsteady.
"Your lucky, well I shouldn't say lucky, you did things right. I haven't seen my daughter in 15 years and she don't want to see me. Can't blame her."
"Ever try to contact her."
"Couple of years ago I spoke to her on the phone. It was short, I can tell she was still angry. God dam it, I wish I had it all back."
Frank had one daughter from his first wife. At first things were normal until Frank gambled more, drank, stayed out late. Lived a life in which his first wife said he never grew up. Once separated the drinking became steadier to a point where there was nothing more then work and drinking. He lost touch of his daughter as weekend visits became once a month then not at all. This started when hangovers would have him miss his visits as Amy (his daughter) would wait for him on the couch on Saturday morning but he never showed. Embarrassed, never called, just sunk into the bar early afternoon thinking perhaps she had a better day without him, maybe with friends a movie. The truth is she fell asleep on the couch, woke up went to her room, closed the door and then emerged for dinner. Her mom feeling sorry and very angry. As time went by Amy became more in tuned with the harder edges of teen culture, loud music, un kept friends. Making her own way with her free time let Frank feel of the hook, she was too busy for him. As the teen years his frequency of visits amounted to once, maybe twice a month. No set schedule because he couldn't be relied upon. It was much better to call first out of the blue. It became a convenient technique because this way he would be able to catch her with plans that she made and he could tell himself, well I tried, she's busy. Amy drifted in her early twenties living zombie like working at a bank as a teller, somewhat aloof when it came to her looks, frumpy, plain. She followed a mundane existence of work, at home with mom, diner television then bed. Her mom, remarried by then made home life uncomfortable, she moved in to an apartment with a boyfriend then both moved to North Carolina.
"I do have one regret, I wasn't a father."
"Ah, don't be hard on yourself" Billy said being polite, wanting to brush off the subject.
"Oh well. I could blame it on the booze, I don't know. It always seems I'll change, make amends spend more time, make up for lost time. Never happened.
Long day ends into darkness. The two brothers part ways with a hug and loud slap on the back. The next day Frank and Ann fly back home, back to their condo. Frank takes an afternoon nap and wakes up late afternoon. Sitting on his kitchen table decides to call Amy, search page after page in his address book, then in his top bedroom draw and finds her name and number on a piece of paper, he calls her.
"Hello, Amy?"
"Oh hi Dad."
"How are you."
"I'm okay,"
"Just got back from your cousins wedding."
"Oh, how was that, I really wanted to go, I sent her a card."
The conversation is lively, friendly. Both are happy that it is this way, there's laughter and even taunting. Frank's eyes are glassy wet, he's overjoyed. He didn't expect this, she is too. It could be that they both yearn for what Billy and Jess perhaps have between them. It's no big deal, after all they weren't as hip and cool. Frank says out of the blue "I was thinking of coming up there to visit, you know me and Ann."
"Cool when."
"How bout next month, I'll make arraignments."
They check their schedules, make plans for vacations from work and finalize the deal.
"I just want to say that, I know I haven't been a good father."
"Don't worry about it Dad."
"I do worry, no it's not okay. I want to be your father again."
"Aw, that's so sweet, I'd like that."
"I want to make it up to you, I want you to forgive me,"
"I always forgave you, I love you Dad."
"I love you too."
Conversation moves back to plans, less emotional, happy then ends.
Frank wonders how he deserved it. How she can forgive not just now but ongoing, "always". He was always her father to her if he'd only show up and be one. Now he feels he is. He's grown up.